Presidential Campaign Satire

What has 18 heads, scares almost the entire American population, and won’t go away for another year? The 2016 presidential election. This incessant, barbaric campaign is the toughest one America has ever seen. Here’s a recap of what’s happened, in case you had an actual social life, and didn’t particularly care for watching orange old men in toupees talk about how all immigrants are drug dealers, and/or rapists.

How many? There are currently 15 Republicans still running, and 3 Democrats still running.

So far, five people have dropped out. Lincoln Chafee (D) dropped out after failing to gain traction economically or politically, Lawrence Lessig (D) dropped out because no one knew he even existed, Jim Webb (D) left because of the lack of support, Rick Perry (R) and Scott Walker (R) dropped out for the same reason as Jim Webb.

Current front runners: These are the people you actually have a chance at knowing, and are currently at the top of the polls: Donald Trump (R), Hillary Clinton (D), Bernie Sanders (D), and Ben Carson (R).

Oh, and these people: Jeb Bush (R), Chris Christie (R), Ted Cruz (R), Carly Fiorina (R), Jim Gilmore (R), Lindsey Graham (R), Mike Huckabee (R), Bobby Jindal (R), John Kasich (R), George Pataki (R), Rand Paul (R), Marco Rubio (R), Rick Santorum (R), and Martin O’Malley (D).

Should I even care? Yes, I hate to say it, but you should. The effects of this election will affect America widely, in many ways. If Lincoln Chafee won, he promised we would implement the metric system, and if Donald trump won, we’d push out all mexicans, and become the world's largest racist hotel! Okay I kid, but if he wins I’m moving to Canada.

However, should you care? Not right now. THE ELECTION IS ON NOVEMBER 8TH 2016. A FULL YEAR AWAY. As John Oliver pointed out: “By the time the election happens next year, the presidential campaign will have lasted the entire lifetime of a hamster, complete with a popsicle stick grave.”

So buckle up, and prepare for a long bumpy ride, because I can guarantee that these people are going nowhere soon!

(although I wish they would)

And if you haven’t already, go to this link and vote for who you would pick for president! http://goo.gl/forms/kPWPt8n8yI